


Break

by Aryagraceling



Series: Catharsis [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anger, Ghosts, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Pain, Sadness, implied self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 06:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15043112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: "You always said goodbye. You didn't this time."Six months after they split and five months after Kakashi dies, Iruka visits his grave for the first time.





	Break

“I found these a few days after you died,” Iruka said, heaving a sigh as he sat with razor blades in his hand. “I didn’t expect to feel this bitter about it. You leaving me alone.”

Kakashi stood behind him, frozen. It was always that way now--inescapably cold and varying shades of grey. The chunin’s ponytail swung low in an almost black arc, pulse beating strongly under the pale grey of his neck.  _ Like mine never will again.  _ Iruka’s eyes--his beautiful once-mahogany eyes--were sunken and hauntingly blank as he stared at Kakashi’s tombstone. 

“They asked me to clear out your stuff,” Iruka continued. “I know we weren’t together near the end and this is probably all my fault, but I--” Metal flashed in the dying sunlight as he twirled a blade around in his fingers. “I did it anyway, Kakashi. What was I going to say, no?” He scoffed and planted the blade in the dirt. “Mr. Uuki died shortly after you. I think he missed you, as stupid as that sounds. He just...shriveled up and let go.”

Kakashi shuddered as Iruka leaned forward to brush a leaf off the granite. It was the first time Iruka had visited since the day he put the jonin in the ground.  _ Five godforsaken months waiting here for absolution. I regret it, Iruka. I regret everything.  _

“It’s been too long. Sorry about that,” Iruka said, one side of his lips curling up sadly. “I couldn’t bring myself to face you. Even with all your stuff scattered around the apartment, I couldn’t believe you were actually gone. You always said goodbye when you left.” He sniffed and wiped at his eyes with his thumb. “You didn’t this time.”

One of Kakashi’s transparent hands reached forward,  _ just  _ short of brushing a stray bit of hair behind Iruka’s ear. The chunin shivered and flicked at one of the blades. “Gods, it’s like you’re here,” he whispered. 

_ I am.  _ Kakashi’s mouth moved but no sound came out. Even if it had, Iruka wouldn’t hear him. No one could hear him anymore. No one ever would again--not since he’d let the sweet caress of death carry him away.  _ Iruka, I’m  _ sorry. He wanted to scream his apology, make Iruka see that it wasn’t him, wasn’t his fault.  _ It was me.  _

Tears slipped quicker down Iruka’s cheeks as he wrapped his arms around his knees and buried his face. “Why didn’t you say goodbye?” he choked out. “I would’ve understood, even if you still chose this way out. But you didn’t. You just left.” A strangled whine tore out of his throat as his whole body clenched. “I would’ve come back.”

Kakashi fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around Iruka, noticing the way his teeth immediately began to chatter and how his breath came in cold clouds. “F--fuck,” Iruka cried quietly. “You  _ haunt  _ me. Every step I take, you’re there. Every time I pour that tea you liked so much. The one I hated. I drink it now, just to feel you close to me.” His jaw worked and the heat of his skin seared through Kakashi’s airy form. “Pakkun sometimes comes by when I’m making it but he leaves right away. Says it reminds him of too many memories.”

_ Tell him goodbye for me,  _ Kakashi whispered silently in his ear. The hair on Iruka’s nape stood up and Kakashi pressed so close that his spirit almost slipped into the chunin.  _ I’m so sorry, my love. You didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve me. You were everything I wanted to and couldn’t be.  _

A renewed burst of tears left Iruka’s eyes as Kakashi pressed his lips to the hollow behind his jaw. “I should’ve thrown all that shit away,” he sobbed. “All your stuff. Should’ve erased you like you wanted. But I couldn’t, Kakashi. I couldn’t stand to lose you for a third fucking time.” 

In that moment, Kakashi knew he couldn’t leave. Not yet. He’d waited five months to see Iruka one last time, but feeling his chest heave below him, there was no way he could justify slipping away entirely. Not when Iruka was breaking. He sat there and let the chunin fall to pieces over his grave, smoothing a freezing hand over his hair. 

“I want to do it too,” Iruka whispered. “I want to so bad. It hurts so much, you fuck. And now I finally get it. Funny, right? You taking away your pain makes me finally  _ fucking--”  _ he kicked out angrily at the razor blades, sending them clattering into the stone ahead-- “get it. I hate you for that.”

Kakashi continued to hold him as he cried and let his anger pour into the air around them. Iruka’s chakra leapt unpredictably and if he could have, Kakashi would have cried with him.  _ Five months he’s been keeping this inside. How could you, you coward? How could you do that to him?  _

Finally, when stars began to appear, Iruka quieted. He’d adjusted to the cold a while ago, and Kakashi kept wrapped around him. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I don’t actually hate you, you know? You were my life before we--well.” He wiped his face on his blacks and slumped forward. “You could’ve left a note or something, though. That’s what normal people do. Then again, you weren’t normal. You never were.”

Kakashi let him go as he leaned forward to pick up the discarded blades.  _ Neither were you. You still aren’t. You’re so much more, Iruka. You need to live. Don’t follow me here. _

__ “I need to sleep, but I’ll be back tomorrow. And the next day, and probably the next, because I’ve got a lot of things to say to you,” Iruka said. Kakashi stayed seated as the chunin got up and brushed himself off. “You’d better fucking hear me this time.” Iruka stepped forward to place a hand on the tombstone, gripping the edge tightly. “I don’t care if you’re in the afterlife or wherever the hell you went, you need to hear me when I say that I miss you, and I still love you. After all of this, I still do. And I won’t ever fucking stop.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback via kudos and comments encouraged and greatly appreciated! You can also let me know your thoughts via [Tumblr](https://sparkswithyou.tumblr.com), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4), or [Discord](https://discord.gg/sf4E5Up).


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